Monday, August 16, 2010

Small Mercies, No Small Wonder

There is something about me that Caterina and Patrick know that not many other friends do. It’s not something I like to talk about. It’s not something anyone likes to talk about. I live with a fear, a phobia perhaps, which is so acute it affects nearly every facet of my life. My single greatest and deepest fear is: attack by stabbing robots.   

My stabbing robot based anxiety first took root when I was a child. I stayed up late one night watching Showtime, fell asleep during Sleepaway Camp, and woke up to Short Circuit. Terrifying. Since then, I’ve never been able to separate the two films in my mind.  Despite the improbability of the scenarios of either of those pictures, I have lived in constant fear of an impending demise administered by a slasher droid. Of course, my absolute worst fear is: [SPOILER WARNING] I befriend a lonely girl robot and have keep the US military from getting hold of her, but she turns out to be a transvestite boy robot who wants to stab me to death, and, all the while, Steve Guttenberg is falling in love with me. Nightmare.

Luckily, there is a nearly sure fire defense against this horror, which Caterina and Patrick were obviously aware of. For that, I am very grateful. As everyone knows, whether or not a psychotic robot is equipped with its own knives, it can easily be distracted by a display of knives, because they are greedy, knife-loving, killing machines. All you need to do is simply display an array of knives on the wall by fixing them to a magnetic strip; when a stabbing robot comes in the night, it will be drawn to the knives and then *SNAP*, it is held captive by the magnetic strip.  In the morning, if you see a robot stuck to the wall, you call the robot authorities and then go out for breakfast, preferably Waffle House*.

No robots this morning. phew! We live to fight another day.

     *Robots love IHOP. Beware.

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